Pressdog.com

The Pressdog Guide to Your
Personal Cash Harvest (Part 1)

By Bill Zahren
(Posted 03/30/01)

So, we all want to know how to get extremely rich, preferably as my friend Shawna says, “For no apparent reason.”

Even though I’m probably only an infomercial away from parlaying the following plan into millions, I’m going to give it to you for free in this rare two-part installment on pressdog.com. That’s just the kind of Democratic Party member, non-material guy I am.

Here’s the first of a two-part guide to major coin:

Option 1: Become a Successful NCAA Division I Coach -- Everyone knows that NCAA Division I sports fans, particularly alumni, are nutty. Basically, they pelt their winning basketball and football coaches with wadded-up $50s and $100s at every opportunity. Why? Because they love to WIN. Who doesn’t? I love to win. So what you want to do is:

1. Become a coach and work your way up the ranks until you’re in a major conference, like the Big 12 or Big 10 (which actually has 11 members). Then, go ahead and win 20-something games and get into the NCAA Tournament in basketball or a bowl game in football (any old bowl will do).

2. Always feel free to sign a “contract” with the school. Even if it’s for 10 years or more. Don’t worry. These “contracts” contain language that make them about as binding as four strands of toilet paper.

3. Have someone at some other big school casually mention your name as a good coach.

It’s working so far for the two big-league college basketball coaches in Iowa. Both had great seasons last year and had the good fortune to have someone at some other school with a coaching vacancy mention their names out loud. Bingo. Both just got hundreds of thousands of dollars in raises and a “contract” extension. I always thought a “contract” meant you promised to work for someone for a certain number of years at a certain rate of pay. But, that’s just me being a stupid small-town Iowa guy.

Under these “contacts” you “promise” to work for someone for a certain time at a certain rate of pay unless something better comes along. And, if you get canned, the “contract” ensures that you’ll get hundreds of thousands of dollars just to go away. Where do I sign?

To be honest (if I must) the schools know where their bread is buttered. The rock star geology professor just doesn’t bring in the income like a winning coach. Alumni and state legislators don’t get fired up about the man or woman who “coaches” 10 ag science students who go on to discover ways to feed all of Somalia with just one corn plant. Scores of alumni will not fly to Boise to watch the Physics Team compete in the Liquid Nitrogen Bowl.

Come on! Do you see those ag science majors on TV, splicing genes from behind the three-point line or returning their Bunsen burner for a touchdown? No. Do small children go to the mall to buy replica lab coats with the Rookie of the Year molecular biologist’s name over the left breast pocket? Negative. Ending famine simply doesn’t entertain us. Nothing personal, but the Einstein-esque ag science professor is going to have to make due with maybe 7% of the coach’s annual income.

Hey, I don’t begrudge the coaches even one of their million dollars per year, especially since I’m not paying for it. Winning coaches fill stadiums and make far more in revenue for the university than they get paid in salary. So why not give them a piece of the action? The people who get really economically snaked are the “student” athletes. While everyone else, especially the universities themselves, makes millions off their performances, all the players get is a few thousand worth of free tuition and a long shot at the NBA or NFL. That's called "dirt cheap labor" in the business world.

Me, I’m more interested in a school having genius faculty members ready to teach my daughters to be brilliant at whatever they want to do for a living, whether that’s kick cancer’s butt or teach children or whatever. And I hope they choose a college based on the faculty quality, not the coolness of the stadium. But again, I’m a non-material Democrat which puts me in the tiny minority.

Speaking of filling stadiums, if you’re following this path to glory, remember that you can always use a new stadium or some other structure. It’s all about “facilities.” Got to have the finest. Any structure over five years old is “not competitive.” So if you’re lucky enough to become one of the hot coaches, I’d work a new stadium/jock dorm/indoor spa and office suite into your demands as well. You’ll get it! And, here’s the kicker -- at state schools, taxpayers get to pay for it! Sweet! I’m ready right now to write a check for my portion of the $90 million in new “facilities” we need to keep the coach.

Because if my daughters to go a state school, having a huge new mega sportsplex will definitely help them learn and grow as students and adults! Just the aura of it on campus will help them get great, fulfilling jobs out of college. Can you feel it? I can feel it.

So my first bit of advice is to go where all the money is -- big time sports.

Next time, we talk about suckling the corporate cash teat.

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