Squash the Cell Noise Virus
By Bill Zahren
(Posted 07/31/03)
A fresh sign that the cell phone apocalypse is upon us: The Federal Aviation Administration is considering allowing people to use their cell phones during airplane flights. Some company is developing a cell phone that supposedly won’t interfere with airplane navigation system
s. The FAA advisory panel has started studying allowing their use. Study results are expected in 2005.
So, that would mean I can’t have a disposable razor or fingernail clippers in my checked baggage, but Mr. Hyper Wired next to me can carry on his billion-function, wireless Web-ready, belt-based cell phone and fill my two-hour in-flight captivity with tales of how he got so hammered last night he couldn’t find his hotel room?
I can hardly wait to have some guy yammering on behind me about his "P n’ L" and "leveragable assets." Or about 150 phones firing up as the wheels touch, all saying "Hi, honey, the plane just landed."
The prospect of it has victims of cell-based noise pollution across the country frothing. As crappy as the domestic airline service has become -- and that is considerable -- at least it was one of the last few cell-free public places in the world.
At least once you had endured arriving five hours early for your flight, figured out how to run the self-service e-ticket machine, submitted to full body cavity searches, stood in line behind some woman who loudly thought the security stuff shouldn’t apply to her and endured the obligatory flight delays you could enjoy a cell chatter-free ride.
Now airlines may be just the next victim of the advancing cell-noise virus of beeps, cheeps, chimes, simulated music scores and sundry other unique "ring tones."
The roadways were among the first infected. I’d say about one in three drivers these days is on the phone. The guy in the SUV who swerved violently in front of me while changing lanes the other day was definitely on the phone.
So was the woman one aisle over at the grocery store who speculated into her phone about her neighbor’s marital infidelity. I’ve also seen people going through the checkout aisle on the phone, much to the chagrin of the checkout person. One such woman tried to hold the little phone to her ear with her shoulder while writing a check and keep track of the kids.
The grocery store, as far as I can tell, is the number two place to make cell phone calls, right behind the car.
And it’s always nice to share someone else’s conversation while in a restaurant. So I’d like to thank the Ricco Suave businessman who entertained a caller with his infinite wit just one table away while I was trying to enjoy a marginal steak that cost me $20.
The cell-noise virus is everywhere. People take and make calls in public restrooms. They pack phones in church, I guess in case the Holy Spirit wants to give them a call. For some males, the phone holster has gained wallet-level status as an always-carry accoutrement. I saw a guy at the pool the other day wearing a phone. Another guy coaches youth softball -- wearing a phone. I once saw a parent referee helping with a 5-year-old soccer game take a call at midfield DURING THE GAME.
Since when do we all need to be THAT reachable? Do these guys shower with their phones? Are they making the naked pretzel with their significant others while packing phone? How did the business world ever manage to survive in the pre-cell era?
The cell-noise virus is bred by the myth of indispensability that goes, "If I’m not available, nobody will be able to do anything." We gotta stop the epidemic.
And you can help by turning off your phone for 24 hours. I know. You’re shuddering and breaking into cold sweats at the thought of it. That’s what happens when you’re in the grips of the cell-noise virus.
Hey, I own a phone, but it spends 75% of the time turned off. I love the safety aspect of packing a cell phone. It’s nice to have the auto club, ambulance or police cavalry just a few digits away. I feel much better when my wife and daughters travel with The Phone. And if a kid had gotten hurt playing softball, the phone-packing coach would have been right there to make the call.
But, then again, 84% of the crowd also had phones on them (I confess my wife had ours in her purse, but it was turned off), so we’d have had about 12 ambulances there in a hurry even if the coach wasn’t packing.
Here’s a tip: the world will continue to spin if you unholster the audio weapon for a day. Plus, we might just halt the spread of the virus and the erosion of people’s ability to make decisions on their own. Why make the tough call on Frosted Mini Wheats vs. Cheerios when you can call the spouse at work to confer first?
Most of the cell phone-based calls I hear start with, "Hi, honey," and continue with "what are you doing?" and then proceed onto some kind of domestic scheduling/organization discussion. It’s convenience run amok. Even though 98% of those domestic conversations can wait until everyone gets home at night, it’s just oh-so-easy to fire up the cell immediately and spread the virus.
So take the antidote before it’s too late. Shut it off for a day. Just to see what it’s like. Come on, get electronically naked and run with the analogs for just one day! It’ll be like living life in yesteryear (the 1980s).
Sure, maybe the spouse will have to cowboy up and make the tough Miller Lite or Bud Light decision at the grocery store without your input. But the Earth will continue to spin if you’re phoneless for a day.
And tell the FAA to keep airplanes a cell-free zone. The sanity you save may be mine.
©2003 Bill Zahren
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