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California
Has Finally Gone Insane
By Bill Zahren
(Posted 08/07/03)
California -- the land of golden
sun, fast cars, surgically altered beautiful people and be-shaded
movie stars -- has finally gone completely mental.
Which makes me wonder why so
many people are so hot to move there. I mean, the taxes and
cost of living are high, the traffic is bad, the schools are
knee-deep in the hurt locker and political knife fights break
out every week to ten days. Does the weather REALLY make up
for all that? Is the chance to glimpse Gary Busey coming out
of Spago once a year REALLY worth it?
You'll forgive my pissy tone,
but we Iowans are always hearing how our state is pig crap
compared to mighty California. We hear how people would rather
go a year without valet parking than move here. In 1999 I
had a chance to join the flock and move to tony San Diego,
but passed it up to stay here in backward old Iowa. Four years
later the decision keeps looking better and better.
Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack is also
looking pretty darn good these days. Not to say Tommy V. is
perfect. The local paper recently had big stories about Vilsack’s
inability to use this new-fangled e-mail stuff. And he gets
into umpire-and-baseball manager-type fights with the Legislature
weekly -- but at least nobody’s (seriously) suggesting a recall
vote.
Which is what they got going
in California. Suffering under a world-of-shit economy and
with their state government $38 billion in the hole,
nearly 1 million Californians signed a petition to recall
Democratic Gov. Gray Davis. The vote is set for Oct. 7.
Maybe it’s all that California
sun. The Vitamin D the body produces in sunlight may have
reached toxic levels in Californians. Maybe they’re still
shell-shocked from last year's energy shortage that made everyone
in L.A. wish they lived somewhere with more reliable power
like, say, Afghanistan.
Or maybe this is just an outgrowth
of California’s ballot initiative fetish. Californians are
always voting on "laws" that limit or mandate their state
government. It all started in 1978 with Proposition 13, which
limited property tax growth to 1% per year, and has continued
at seemingly two or three initiatives a year since. The collective
result has tied down California's massive state government
like the billion tiny Lilliputian ropes tied down massive
Gulliver.
With the long history of adding
laws by popular vote, maybe the next logical step is to subtract
politicians by popular vote.
On the very same ballot Californians
will vote yes or no to fire Davis, they'll also select who
should succeed him -- if he gets canned. But only the people
who vote to toss him out can vote for a replacement -- and
Davis won't be listed as a candidate. Sure, it's screwy. But
then again Southern California's smog index just hit a seven-year
high, so maybe there's some connection.
The sad news is, changing governors
probably isn’t going to do much beyond creating new orders
for gubernatorial stationery. Raising taxes in California
requires a two-thirds majority of the Legislature and the
Republicans are saying, "Read my lips." If you try to make
up $38 billion with just cuts, well, best of luck on that
deal.
Davis apparently remains high
on wheatgrass because he’s vowed to "fight like a Bengal tiger"
to remain in office. The voters, on the other hand, have taken
to Davis like a wounded antelope takes to the aforementioned
Bengal.
Davis ran a vicious campaign
-- even by California standards -- to get re-elected. There
have been allegations that Davis hid the true size of the
state deficit until just after the he was re-elected. Since
then he's displayed all the warmth of and political creativity
of a Komodo dragon. The public has responded by giving Davis
a 21% approval rating. You could probably find more Californians
in favor of banning the use of automobiles in the state than
in favor of keeping Davis.
The Republicans see a chance
to use California's vote-on-everything fetish to toss Davis
out. The Demos claim the GOP is usurping democracy. They also
have their union-made undies in a twist over whether to get
someone on the ballot in case Gov. Warmth gets fragged in
the recall vote.
President Bush's official position
is hands off. But from a coldly political perspective, the
GOP should just let Gray Davis twist. I don’t see him improving
things much before 2004, unless the national economy as a
whole takes off (which G.W. says could happen any day now.
Really). So don’t look for things to get any rosier in CA
before 2004, at which time Gray becomes Bush’s campaign whipping
boy.
From an equally cold perspective,
the Demos may secretly be OK with Davis getting tossed out
in favor of a Republican. Then, when the new guy fails to
right the ship, they can say the Republicans are all hat and
no cattle (non-Iowa translation: all show and no substance)
during the '04 campaign.
What I don't understand is
why in the world would anyone want to take over this California
government goat rodeo? People who file to get on the ballot
should be checked for toxic levels of Botox in their brain
stems.
All you need to get on the
ballot is the signatures of 65 voters and $3,500. (The consent
of your therapist is encouraged, but not required.) Which
means, of course, that there will be hundreds, maybe thousands
of people signing up to try and replace Davis. (The filing
deadline is 5 p.m. Pacific time on Aug. 8.) Why don’t you
just pay me $3,500 to hit you in the toes with a hammer once
a day for three years? Same deal as getting elected governor
of California.
Austrian-born actor and former
Mr. Olympia Arnold Schwarzenegger (tan pecs, Terminator shades,
waxed bikini line -- striking) entered the race Wednesday,
promising to crush the skulls of his opponents and challenging
Davis to a bodybuilding-style pose down. (OK, I made that
up). I hear Bill Murray is considering entering the race on
a "that's-the-facts,-JACK" platform.
Oh, and by the way, the recall
election will cost the state about $35 million. Much better
use of the money than spending it on, say, schools. From out
here in boring old Iowa, it's like watching a train wreck
-- you’re horrified, yet you just can’t look away.
There is, just coincidentally,
plenty of room here in Iowa for people tired of the California
"good life." You’ll have to put up with great schools and
learn to live without all the traffic. Wheatgrass is tough
to find and our version of going to an oxygen bar is walking
to the center of the nearest soybean field.
But, above all, I hope the
idea of replacing governors like you’d replace a losing baseball
manager or football coach doesn't catch on. I much prefer
electing one governor every four years.
But then again I’m just a hick
from podunk Iowa. And thank God for that.
©2003 Bill Zahren
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