Cinderella and the
Glass Soccer Slipper

By Bill Zahren
(Posted 6/21/04)

Picture Leslie Ann Warren in her 1965 TV version of Cinderella, billowy white home dress/uniform, white gloves, shin guards, Adidas glass soccer slipper -- striking.

Right now, thousands of my fellow central-Iowa soccer parents are sitting around, gnawing our well insured fingernails to the quick, wondering if Prince Charming will pop by and offer our daughters the glass slipper of soccer acceptance -- a spot on a select team.

For many soccer parents, all I have to say is "select team tryouts" and you instantly know what I'm talking about. If you're not familiar with the June tryout ritual, please attend:

If your son or daughter wants to play soccer at a level wherein a sports agent may be required by age 15, your child can try out for a "select" team near you. Sometimes called a "traveling" team, sometimes called an "extremely expensive" team, these teams are led by professional coaches, most often from countries where soccer doesn't rank below "professional badminton" in popularity.

Here in Iowa, widely acknowledged as the American hotbed of soccer, it plays out like this: Starting at age 11, the boys and girls can attend tryouts where they do various drills, etc., while a bunch of clipboard wielding soccer coaches walk around and score them based on this and that. Dribbling ability is a big one. Shooting. Passing. Make and model of parents' car. Speed (of the player, not the parents' car, although cargo capacity will be given some consideration). There are a lot of stopwatches involved.

Parents are asked to keep their distance from the tryout areas and not yell out stuff like, "KICK HER ASS, HONEY!" so as not to influence the judges. During select team tryouts we are strictly prohibited from speaking to the coaches, aside form the occasional "did you drop that $100 bill with my daughter's name on it?"

So, we all sit in silence, secretly hoping the other players blow knees or pop ankles so our sons and daughters will be assured a spot on the squad.

It's especially rugged for parents like me, whose kids aren't HYPER motivated to be the next Mia Hamm. On the 1-to-10 talent scale, our kids probably score a solid 7. The Next Mia (a solid 10 at age 13) will be snatched up and fawned over, so you don't have to worry about her. It's one wrung down on the talent ladder where all the parental antacid is consumed.

Where I live the tryouts are normally the first two weeks in June. Then you have to wait at least TWO MORE WEEKS before the "offers" to join the team are extended on or after July 1. We're in that waiting period right now and I'm passing the time by watching Satan juggle (in the soccer sense) down here in the PIT OF HELL.

Also, the waiting is making me schizophrenic. On the one hand, I have visions of Olympic medals being worn and World Cups being hoisted. On the other hand, I have visions of me being able to eat more than generic soup and stay out of bankruptcy court.

I have recurring fears of huge, Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float-sized dollar signs flying out of my wallet and into the insatiable maw of "elite soccer." The fees for the pro coaching, use of the field, blah, blah, blah, are about $900 a year. (As my small-town retired auto mechanic father would say: $900 for SOCCER?")

But I'm not even close to finished. Cash for a uniform? $150. Travel expenses (and these will kill ya quick) probably another $1000 a year. Yeah, four zeros behind that one, especially if your kids' team goes multihundred miles to play weekend tournaments. Some trips involve airplanes. So you're looking at a $2000 a year for a 13-year-old to play soccer. That's a pretty expensive soccer slipper. More Waterford crystal than glass.

So we're waiting to see. There's always the recreational soccer route, which gets short shrift but I personally think is a good option. $140 a year in registration fees, $50 for a uniform you wear for about five years and you're in the game. The focus is on fun and the expectations of winning are much less. Nobody -- parents or players -- gets all frothed up about "getting a college scholarship" so that tends to take it down to Freak Def Con 1.

And if you're just looking at soccer as a way to pay for college (via a soccer scholarship) the odds of your select soccer investment paying off in that way are exceedingly remote. Maybe one or two percent of all players get a college scholarship. If you invest the $2000 a year you'd spend chasing a scholarship (and it's more per year as your child gets older what with the "scouting camps" and all) for eight years, you got a ton of cash for college.

Still, rec players don't make the Olympic squad. And what if your precious gift of a player REALLY IS the next Mia Hamm? You never know. Hence my soccer schizophrenia.

If a player does get selected, of course you have to accept the "invitation." So we'll see what July 1 brings.

In the meantime, I'll be counting my cash one second and think of my daughter on the Olympic medal platform with the National Anthem playing the next.

Hey, if the soccer slipper fits, ....

© 2004 Bill Zahren

Epilogue I: (Posted 7/2/04) Bitter dregs! July 1 came and my daughter was not chosen for a select team. Ah, the dark side of trying out for an upper level team, being deemed not worthy and trying to deal with the disappointment. My daughter was also kind of bummed about it. But hey, if the soccer slipper doesn't fit, ....

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