TGIT - Thank God it's (Almost) Tuesday

By Bill Zahren
(Posted on 11/01/04)

It's been a long year here in the "battleground states." So long that right now most of us here truly would like to surrender.

Some of you in, say, California, where the sacred polls and screwy winner-take-all Electoral College system has the election pretty much decided, may envy the attention "battleground states" like Iowa get.

What with the "excitement" of presidential candidates visiting, so much helpful and "exciting" advertising and continuing "exciting" news media coverage wherein (in Iowa's case) reporters always seem to mention tractors and hogs.

Iowa's bipolar political nature, or the fact that some of my fellow Iowa voters have trouble making up their minds, has kept it close, which encourages candidates to invest zillions in commercials and make an estimated 91 visits to the state.

And the ads. MY GOD, THE ADS. Our local nightly news broadcasts are stuffed with ads for everyone from president to state legislature rep. My personal favorite is Bush's allegedly scary Pack of Wolves ad. The first time I saw the part of the ad showing the wolves lounging in a clearing I said (I swear), "Who's a good boy?"

Overall the ads reflect the electorate - way more heat than light. I blame the American public. When I first became a father, a very wise school principal told me "behavior that achieves the desired results will be repeated."

Despite our protestations, attack ads work. The masses who tune into Jerry Springer hoping for a stage fight respond to the venom. As long as attack ads work, they'll be repeated.

And repeated. And repeated. One online source estimated political spending on all advertising and marketing communications (including Internet and direct mail) will set a record at $2.68 billion in 2004, an increase of 122.8% from the 2000 election level.

On behalf of all "battleground state" voters, I just want to say "QUIT IT ALREADY. Uncle! No mas."

Who are these ads aimed at? If you're still undecided in this campaign, you are (no offense) a rock. How can you be undecided at this point? I mean, it's been a year of mass-media pounding. A year of debates, position papers, Web sites, advertising. If you can't decide on a candidate after the deluge of information, you probably chronically pee your pants because you can't decide when to go to the bathroom.

Here's a tip: You're voting for President, not Emperor. If you're holding out for the perfect candidate, he or she just ain't going to show up, OK? It's Kerry or Bush. Those are the choices. You're going to have "some concerns" with whoever runs so just pick one. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

It's even worse for me because I've already voted. I sent in my absentee ballot on Sept. 30. Note to campaigns: It's too late to change my mind, so lay off already. I voted for my boy John Kerry for reasons I could go into but I know you've heard before. But, if knowing how I voted finally gets you to decide one way or another, I'll experience a rapture that approaches the arrival of my first-born.

It was on Oct. 30, against this backdrop of being sick of the whole drawn-out, hyper-vitriolic process, when a ray of sun broke through the prevailing gray, freezing rain-mixed-with-snow political climate.

Somebody returned my John Kerry yard sign. Strong winds blew it away sometime over night on Oct. 29. I looked for it the next day but all that remained was the sign's little wire holder. I wrote it off as lost. I figured it blew into a Bush supporter's yard (I'm surrounded by them out here in the tony suburb of West Des Moines) and they shredded it, much, I thought at the time, like their candidate shreds the Constitution.

Oh me of little faith. After we returned from a suburban soccer game on the morning of Oct. 30, my sign was laying in the yard. Someone had obviously returned it anonymously. Whichever neighbor found it probably had no trouble figuring out where it belonged since mine is the lone Kerry sign on the block.

I was genuinely warmed to the quick. Either it came from a closet fellow Kerry supporter or, even more impressive, from a Bush supporter. My faith in political civility was at least partially restored. Suddenly I wasn't so repulsed by the Bush signs. Suddenly I saw it as my sacred duty to defend their rights to select a candidate, have yard signs, embrace the First Amendment and vote their conscious (even if they did make the wrong choice).

The true patriotic American, after all, is willing to stand up for someone's right to do what you personally don't believe in. I don't believe in voting for GW, but I'm standing up for my neighbor's right to have a contrary opinion.

So thank you, Mr. or Ms. Sign Returner Person, for restoring my faith in democracy and providing a ray of civility in this storm of partisan vitriol. I repaired the sign with industrial-strength glue, staples and tape. It's back on my lawn, amongst the sea of Bush signs.

I think I speak for everyone who lives in a "battleground state" when I say, please VOTE on Nov. 2 or we're coming to your state and running TV and radio ads incessantly until you beg us for another chance. Whoever wins, I want it to be by a big enough margin that we don't have a repeat of the 2000 Florida debacle.

I don't think I could take another five-week election overtime.

© 2004 Bill Zahren

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