You Want to be an Actor?
By Bill Zahren
(Posted on 1/24/05)
The passage of the Golden Globes and the announcement of the Academy Award nominations tomorrow (Jan. 25) marks entrance into "Awards Season," a halcyon time wherein we all sit around the TV and wish we were glamorous and/or handsome actors.
We've had the People's Choice Awards and Golden Globes. Awards Season now starts to accelerate with the Screen Actors' Guild Awards on Feb. 5 followed on Feb. 13 with the Grammy Awards with the Big Boy (Academy Awards) firing up on Feb. 27.
Personally, I mainly huddle inside the house on a sparkling, 4-degree Iowa night and say, "If she can wear THAT outside, it must be a lot warmer there." But that's just me.
Plus, you know, my general reaction to seeing famous actors is, "Are you huffing paint?"
Oh, I know about a tenth of a percent of actors make millions for their trouble, but, really, why would you want to be an actor. Seriously. It's gotta be a crappy job.
First of all, people love you for what you're not.
I have a friend who almost pees himself at the mention of Jennifer Garner. It's a game for us. We sneak up behind him and whisper, "Jennifer Garner" to see if he faints. But who is Jennifer Garner, really? I mean when the cameras aren't rolling? She's definitely not her Alias TV character, Sydney Bristow. She's probably nothing like Sydney. Jennifer might secretly love the taste of grilled dolphin and only buy clothing made by Bangladeshi child slave labor, you never know. She's probably not going to kick your butt or put a cap in your ass if you piss her off. (She'll just have her people do it.)
Or Daniel Radcliffe. Poor schmuck. To BILLIONS of kids he is Harry Potter. When they read J.K. Rowlings' books, they see Radcliffe's face. They'll always expect Radcliffe to be able to speak snake language and long to ask him what Professor Snape is really like. To them Dan Radcliff will always be Harry Potter, no matter what else he does. Being "loved" for something you only pretend to be is a little screwed up.
Second, being an actor has to be like putting the welcome mat out for severe schizophrenia.
To be an awesome actor, you really have to let go of yourself and become who you are playing. It's like undocking from the mother ship and space walking over to this whole other vessel with only a little tether to pull yourself back.
So, what if you couldn't find your way back or the tether snaps? Or when you got back, you still had fragments of the character still in you? Johnny Depp once said little bits of every part he has ever played stay with him and pop out at weird times. So he'll react to some everyday life thing like Capt. Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean. Even Johnny admits that's freaky.
Third, making a movie is horrid work.
Pretty much the least efficient thing you can think of doing. Like going to the can and having to sit there for three hours waiting for someone to bring you toilet paper. Thrilling stuff. Actors sit around and wait for about five hours while everyone gets everything ready, then they pop onto the set, do a few takes of a scene that's maybe four minutes long, and resume waiting. Glamorous!
Fourth, being an actor can be very demeaning.
Take auditioning. Basically, what you do is read a bit of script by yourself or with someone else in front of a director or other such judges. Then they reject you for some reason that usually has little or nothing to do with your talent (more like you're too tall, too fat, or too skinny, your chest isn't big enough, or too big, or whatever) and you go home. For me, that would be like handing someone a hammer and asking him to break your toes one at a time.
Then there are the jackal-like fans. Take that back -- at least jackals do what they do to survive and do play an important role in the ecosystem. Rabid fans just attack wounded human beings for sport. They make fun of people for being old or fat (or both). They camp like vultures waiting for your marriage to implode. We can't get enough of WHY Brad and Jen are splitting up. Was it Angelina? Do I care? No, but judging from the tabs I'm in the tiny minority. It's EVERYWHERE. The superstars have paparazzi encamped outside your apartment, lusting for clear shot at your fat rolls. Gwenyth goes out for Starbucks in sweats and we got "NO MAKEUP MISTAKE" slashed all over the Star.
Ever seen a photo of a big celebrity eating? Nope. Because they never eat in public. Ever. Everyone looks goofy when they eat, and big stars can't afford to be photographed looking goofy, so they don't eat. Instead they have the limo driver run through the drive through so they can wolf a burger en route to a party where they will neither eat or drink, no matter how hungry they are. That's messed up.
Fifth, you're always just one project away from being a "has been."
Rare is the A-list actor who doesn't eventually get discarded by a fickle public, starting his or her long slide to the B- and C- and even D-lists. You're only one Gigli away from the scrap heap. Pretty soon you're putting up with ridicule from people whose idea of "achievement" is a close parking place at Wal-Mart and doing used car commercials for a living.
Dude, seriously, why would you put yourself through it? For art's sake, I hope. So, here's an idea, cut the actors some slack. Not only is Julia Roberts The Shit on the screen, she's an actual human being as well, who puts her pants on one leg at a time. So simmer down. Ease up on Brad and Jen. Get a grip re: Lindsey Lohan's dad and whether or not Lindsey has catfights with Hillary. And calm yourself over Kirstie Alley's weight.
Just appreciate the stars' talent and give them credit for being a business so demanding, cutthroat and unforgiving that even Attila the Hun would say, "You people are vicious" and move to Boise.
©2005 Bill Zahren
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