Pressdog.com

Just Call Me Z-Unit

By Bill Zahren
( Posted 7/10/05)

At age 41, I've decided to change careers.

I'm transitioning to a career that is sort of related to writing, kind of, so it's not an entirely radical shift. And I'm going to do something that lets me connect and bond with a whole new generation.

I've decided to become a gangster rapper.

Think Vanilla Ice with brown hair plus 20 years and 50 pounds. Ice-ice baby. Oh, I'll take you to the candy shop. And, you know what? I'll let you lick the lollipop.

So, obviously, job one in my transformation into a g-rap is to become extremely familiar with all the many nuances of my main topic - my penis.

I've known Mr. Johnson on some level for 41 years, of course. We share the same birthday. He had a very functional side and, you know, a wild side. But do I really know him well enough to "sing," convincingly, about him being the "Magic Stick?" Can I confidently refer to him as "the lollipop" whose mere presence is enough to get chicks "sprung?" That's a whole new level of confidence for a small town Iowa boy, I don't mind telling you.

What I know of the male gangstah rap songs (which is limited, admittedly) is a solid 85% of them feature some mention of the performer's penis. (If you consider mention of genitals in general, it's 98%.) That, homey, is a lot of attention for Mr. Happy, knowwhatimsaying? Gotta get to know Mr. Phallus (P-unit) much better. Maybe spend long nights talking to him about his hopes and dreams. Maybe mention him when I'm freestylin' on the cul-de-sac.

Next, I gotta do some time. All the great g-rappers do time. So I better get out there and sell me some drugs so I can get busted by the man and do time and then rap about how harsh it is on the inside and make millions from white suburban kids. Otherwise, what street cred will I have, G? None. I'd be nothin' but a poser.

Unless, of course, I can manage to get shot (and survive, of course). Many of the gangstahs have been shot. I think Fiddy (50 Cent) raps a lot about getting shot. Likes to pose for photos in his Kevlar bulletproof vest. Oh, he's 'hood.

So, maybe next time I'm shopping at the suburban Super Target, the one across from the gated community, I can only hope and pray to get winged in the calf when someone pulls out heat during a dispute in the in-store Starbuck's line. It's another couple million for my career.

Then, naturally, I have to come to terms with, an enjoy using, the word "bitch." I'm going to have to overcome my dislike of the word to the point where I can comfortably scream it into microphones while pointing at random women.

The female rap audience seems to enjoy it. They don't seem to be insulted at all. In fact, screaming the b-word at teenage females seems to make them buy your CD. Ka-ching, bitch. Or as Fiddy says, "We're going to be at bidness b*tch all night long!"

I think you can probably back me up here, Gs, that nothing gets a woman more in the mood to be "at bidness" than screaming "bitch!" in her face. Try it next time at the bar and let me know how well it goes.

You might think that calling a woman a bitch and then giving her free access to your genitals could spell the end of sexual enjoyment for the rest of your life, but that's probably because you don't have the Magic Stick. When women are dying for you to take them to the candy shop they don't even care if you call them demeaning and insulting names.

So, let's recap: focus on the penis, do time or get shot (or both!), call women bitches. Does that about cover it? Oh, sure, there are rappers who don't do any of this, they rap about positive stuff, but they haven't reached the pinnacle of respect and cash. They won't have their rides and cribs dominating MTV. They don't have entourages the size of NFL special teams units.

Fortunately enough, the words "bitch" and "ass" no longer require bleeping out on the public airwaves. That way the 10-year-olds can greatly enjoy my talent while riding in their minivans.

That's what I'm talkin' about. True dat. Word to your posse.

Peace out.

Z-unit.

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